The Voyages of the Tears

The Hills: I Watch it So You Don’t Have To

So, The Hills. It’s become quite the hot button issue lately, hasn’t it? It’s one of those things that you either love or you hate, and if you love it you probably also kind of hate that you love it, but if you hate it, there’s about a 97% chance that you secretly love it.

I happen to fall into the camp of those who love The Hills. Yes, I know that it is about as fake as it can possibly be while still retaining some semblance of it’s “reality show” moniker. I know that these kids make Paris Hilton look like a talented girl, just slaving away in the industry to make her mark. I know that they’re probably absolutely unbearable in real life, and that I probably lose a frighteningly high number of brain cells every time Natasha Bedingfeld ushers in another episode. But I don’t care. I have been watching Lauren Conrad grow up on tv since she was a nobody high schooler in Laguna Beach, and I am still utterly invested in her life four years later. Sometimes that makes me kind of sad, but then I just eat a cookie and all of the happy feelings come flooding back.

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For the past three seasons, I have watched The Hills alone on my couch, making comments to the television that no one will ever hear. I begged Heidi not to date Spencer from the very beginning. I told LC that getting back together with Jason was a really poor decision. I rejoiced when Lo decided to move to L.A. I rolled my eyes every time Brody tried to use his supposed charms on whatever female being currently resided within a five foot radius. But no more! For the next few weeks (excluding the two weeks I’ll be in Italy, because, um, no, I’ll be busy eating gelato) I’ll be recapping The Hills on this here blog. Mainly because I find it entertaining.

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So, for those of you who have never seen The Hills, never plan to watch The Hills, and yet for some reason, are still reading, here are the basics. Lauren went to high school in Laguna Beach, California. She was in love with her best friend, Stephen, but he was dating her arch enemy Kristen. Lauren eventually moved to LA to attend FIDM, where she met Heidi, and got an internship at Teen Vogue where she worked with Whitney. Somewhere along the line she became friends with Audrina and Spencer Pratt (because the devil loses his hold on you if you just call him by his full name) and Heidi began a rocky romance that eventually caused Heidi and Lauren to end their friendship. Things ended badly with Jason and Lauren a few times, and now he’s engaged to some bizarre blonde girl. At the end of last season, Lauren was examining her feelings for Brody Jenner, another celebrity who is famous for his mere existence, and jetting off to Paris on a work assignment for Teen Vogue with Whitney. Heidi and Spencer called off their engagement and Heidi peaced out of California and headed back to Colorado to hang with her parents for a while.

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And cue Natasha…!

Lauren begins by reminiscing about all of those things I just told you, or at least the last few sentences, but takes a much longer time about it. I always wonder if it is weird to her that she had to narrate Heidi’s life?

Anyway, Paris: There’s some sort of stock footage airport stuff going on, and then Whitney, wearing a ridiculous slouchy knit beanie thing, and Lauren, with the most adorable coat I’ve ever seen enter stage right as a stereotypical Frenchman holds up a card with something unintelligible written on it. Actually, upon further investigation it reads: Teen Vogue Whitney Port. Oh burn! Lauren doesn’t even get a name placard! Whitney’s all, take that bitch! Not really.

Oh Whitney is wearing grey and white striped tights. Apparently that is important to the plot development, because we have the pleasure of viewing them at close range for about 10 seconds. The chauffeur loads them in their car, and has the most hilarious world weary expression on his face as he Frenches, “So, you are in Paris!”

Lauren manages to look vaguely excited, with a sort of half-hearted “Yaaay!” and Whitney says “We’re so excited”, like you might expect someone would say, “My grandmother just died.” Chauffeur goes on to inform the girls that everything is different in Paris, but when they dare to question how so, he Frenches some more that that is for them to see. Lauren looks a bit perplexed for a minute, but then lays eyes on the Eiffel Tower, and attempts excitement again as though she has discovered that yes! This is how Paris is different! They have the Eiffel Tower! They squeal a little bit and then check out their itinerary.

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Whitney mispronounces Givenchy, which makes me want to punch her in the face since she’s all “fashion is my life”, and then they discover that they’re …

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